| umm ya. |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|06:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
fully about to go to the dave show w/Lauren. :-( She is seeing Kenny. Ugh. Way fucking sad about it. I mean...I just rack my brain, day in and day out about what about me this girl just isn't in to? I mean...Kenny over me??? WHAT??? I love her so much. I gave her everything I had. and I still do. Discusting. I have no game, clearly.
On a better note...I"M GOING TO DAVE!!! I'll write in here after it's over. YEAH! |
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| update |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|08:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Wow...I just went through and read my last few entries. My how things have changed. Well...I'm talking to Lauren again. Of course I am. So fucking typical. I just love that girl so god damn much...it's discusting. She knows it too...ugh.
Shayna and I...well. There is nothing to say. WAY over it. She might annoy me more than anyone. I mean...I'll hang out with her, so long as she doesn't talk to me about AA. YOU WEREN'T AN ALCOHOLIC LADY! You were a stoner. I mean, I just have a completely fucked up outlook on AA. I think it brainwashes people. They have convinced this chick that she was an alcoholic, when she barely ever drank! P.S. The girl was only 14...maybe she was rebelling against her parents, maybe she had some issues...maybe she's not an alco-fricken-holic. Ugh. It's so annoying. It totally consumes her. AA this, AA that...I'm like.."so...when are we gonna get a beer". lol. I'm just glad that akwardness is over. There is absolutly 100%, nothing between us.
I'm going to see Kat next week. I'm REAL nervous. Who knows what will happen with her. It's a fricken toss up.
Delana and I have been talking a lot more. Supposedly she's over it. Which is cool I guess. She stayed over the other night and was totally chill. Talked alot, was funny, and outgoing...it's like...HELLO! Why weren't you like this when we were dating!? I'm guessing she was just really nervous around me or something.
She looked REALLY cute the other night too. It took everything in me not to flirt with her. That's just not cool.
BP's wedding is tomorrow. I have long hair right now. Extentions. I feel so fricken weird. The girls love it. We came home last night, made dinner, and they made me put on my high heels and walk around. It was sooo funny. I love making fun of myself. We'll see how the wedding goes. I forsee lots of drama. Anytime you have the Porter family together...drama is bound to come about. And...I'm very excited about going with Matty. He's such a fricken sweetheart. I love him. :D
Alright...that's enough of an update. Till next time... |
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| ??? |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|10:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
She's coming home in less than a month. She called me to make sure I would be there for her homecoming. Anxiety, excitment, love, freight...all of these emotions running through me. My nerves. We have a double date with some old friends that we hung out with way back in the day. We've discussed the akwardness of her moving home, the two of us being completely single, the possiblities...it's crazy. I'm sure nothing will happen. It's always more exciting to start something when you can't have the person. We haven't been able to have ANYTHING for the last 6 years...craziness. Now, it's a possibility. Will the attraction still be there? Will it be akward? Sex. We've never had sex. I mean, we've talked about how amazing it would be...but I think that's because both of us knew it was never a realistic idea. It's real now. Scary. We'll see. I'm not going to stress over it. I love her, she loves me...that's all that really matters.
This should be good. ;D |
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| resolution |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|11:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
I haven't even had the urge to write about Lauren. I haven't had the need to call her, hear her voice, text her, see her, kiss her, hug her...anything. It's such an amazing feeling. She's crazy. She called me and left me the worst, death message of a voicemail the other day just b/c I was going to her best friends house for dinner. P.S. lauren...we DON'T talk about you. I ENJOY their company. Fuck. Oh well though. I thought long and hard about going after the conversation I had with Julie. She really put things into perspective. The bottom line is though...I'm not doing things to make Lauren happy anymore. She is completely cut out of my life...for good. She no longer has any sort of influence on how I'm feeling or what I'm going to do. I love it. It's such a relief. Oh well...I wanted to update my "secret" journal. I love it. I'm going to bed. I have to get some sleep.
I'm going to San Diego with Shayna for the next two days to meet her family and hang out with some of her friends. The test. We'll see how it goes. I'm super excited. Until next time...
;D |
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| sweet! |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|12:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
I met someone. she's fucking rad! I'm not sure if I like her in a romantic way though? Weird. We've talked so much in the last three days, it's kinda discusting. We're totally on the same page. I love it. It's been so long since I've felt a connection like this. Who knows...we'll see where it goes. I'm not really trying to hook up right now...I just like the feeling of meeting someone new who I connect with. I mean...I'm not even sure if I'm attracted to her. ?? and I don't really care to try to figure out if I am. if it happens, it happens. If not...I've got a fucking cool new friend.
I'm happy. We're going riding on the vespa down to HB to go shopping. I need a new hat. ;D Brendon and his friend are coming with us. I love him. He's so fun. It's so nice to have a guy friend to hang out with. Life is good. It's a beautiful day. I'm happy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|12:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | high | ] |
Lauren called me today...she left a voicemail apologizing for "leading me on" or better yet "misleading me". She says she had a realization. I wonder what brought it about?
It's too little too late. I don't even believe her. I think she's clearing her conscience. I am not a big deal to her. My feelings aren't of any matter to her...if they were, she would have apologized months ago. Or...never been with me in the first place. It's such a saga. I'm so glad it's over. SO GLAD.
I had another great day today. Last night I went out with Brendon and met some new friends. I met the coolest bartender ever!
Delana called me last night upset about something that happend on her trip. She is so fucking nice! I can't stand it! I wish I liked her more! Ugh...I mean...I just can't like anyone right now though. Talk about having guards up.
I'm stoned. I shouldn't smoke hash before I write. It makes me write like a fifth grader. Ugh. I will update this tomorrow. My cat is clawing the shit out of my legs. ouch. night.
p.s.
I got the cutest text msg from Jessica in SF today. I love her. I miss her. I miss morgan and steph too. I can't wait for september! Four whole days with my lovely ladies! ;D |
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| moving right along |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|10:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
I had a good night last night and am starting my day off on the right foot today. Things may just be looking up for me. I cleaned my house...the litter box...did laundry, and it's only 10:15am. Wow. Going to sleep at 5:30 pm really did me well. ;D
I'm closing the rest of the week. I'm going to attempt to mend things with Yessenia. I need to appologize for things I've done and said. It's the right thing to do. Lauren is going to radiohead with ezekiel. OVER IT. I deleted my old LJ account. I took her off my friends list for myspace. I deleted her numbers from my phone. I took her pictures down in my house. I threw away all the shit I saved from us being together. REMINDERS. I got rid of everything that could possibly remind me of her. I'm cleansing my life of her. NEVER AGAIN. Not even friends. It just won't happen. I can honestly say that I don't think she deserves me in her life. That's what will get me through this. I give it two weeks. I'll be completly fine in two weeks.
I'm going shopping with my cousins, auntie, and mom for a dress on sunday. I'll probably spend the night down there and hang with my cuz on Monday. In two weeks I'm going to Brooke's bachelorette party. I can't wait for that!!!! SO FUN!!!!! I love my girls from LV. They truley know how to cheer me up. They're my comfort.
Kat comes home from Ecuador on August 3. I'm so nervous for her to come home. This will be the first time we'll be around eachother, where both of us are single, in 6 years. It's a scary thought. I can almost gaurantee something will happen. Considering our past...She makes me nervous. ;D I like it. Maybe we can actually act on our feelings for eachother. That should be interesting. She wants me to fly out to Arizona for her homecoming. I'm really considering it... We'll see. Things are looking up. I have a great job, an amazing family, a cute little appt., a cuddly kitten, great friends, and I'm healthy. Why be depressed? There's no need for it. :D |
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